You know this may be the most poorly ever written piece that I have ever typed, but the words are just flowing today, I guess? I need to let everything I am feeling out, I just do or who knows what may happen. I can’t keep bottling up these feelings of lost, regret, guilt, shame. But what right do I have to these feelings? What right do I have to feel this way? I have friends or atleast two, but I still feel that can’t trust them with my scars. I have parents who care about me a lot, but I can’t ever agree with their views. It’s so difficult to hide these bruises.

Sometimes I feel like I make a mountain out of a molehill because I take every painless ‘joke’ and stab them repeatedly in my chest. Why must I care how I appear to people? Why do I care that they judge me? I don’t need them or their love, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself . On the inside though, I want them to love me. I want their respect. I want their attention as selfish as it sounds. I want them to be shocked by me. I want their praise., but I don’t ever get it.

All they ever say, ” you’re so smart.” Thanks I guess, but is it selfish to want to be more? I want to do art. I want to write, I want to sing, I want to dance. I want to make an impact on others, but I am never enough in those field though. So, I guess I will just continue to study something I really don’t give a shit about.

I shouldn’t need their validation. I should do art for myself and to express mythoughts and emotions, but no artist likes when their art form is ignored. We make art for people to react to, for them to absorb and for them to be impacted by. If there is no one to do so, you feel useless. You feel worthless and no one wants to be worthless.

I can bet that no one will be reading this because why would they? So many time I keep feeling that I’m screaming into a void, but I will continue to anyway because even if no one else, maybe I will hear my own echo.

Even if I say this though, I will still look forward for people to see this. If you do, I wish all the best and send me a email sometime. I have nothing else to look forward to.